


Exile

by hihilumin, IamHobbes



Series: Save Your Breath [7]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: HQSwiftWeek2020, M/M, yearning hours
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-19
Updated: 2020-09-19
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:54:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26541745
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hihilumin/pseuds/hihilumin, https://archiveofourown.org/users/IamHobbes/pseuds/IamHobbes
Summary: I’m happy for you. Kuro, I’m happy for you.Kuroo blinks at that. Kenma rarely offered such kind of sentiments, especially when it came to his lovelife; but when he did, he was precise. No room for mistaking it for something else.Don’t be, Kuroo wants to say, the voice inside his head suddenly cruel. He almost wants to give it all up right now.Please.
Relationships: Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou, Kuroo Tetsurou/Sawamura Daichi
Series: Save Your Breath [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1921648
Comments: 1
Kudos: 30





	Exile

**Author's Note:**

> This a bonus track/interlude of sorts for the series. Enjoy!

_ I can see you standing, honey _

_ With his arms around your body _

_ Laughin', but the joke's not funny at all _

_ And it took you five whole minutes _

_ To pack us up and leave me with it _

_ Holdin' all this love out here in the hall _

It’s a Nekoma reunion.

There’s pizza, drinks, a bunch of questionable fashion choices, Kai, Yaku, Yamamoto, and Inuoka. Fukunaga brought snacks and Lev brought his sister. Shibayama is late but he’s on his way, too. Kenma’s here, of course. It’s his apartment. And where Kenma is, Kuroo is. 

Kuroo and his plus one. 

Daichi didn’t want to come, Kuroo knows, but he persuaded him to go, nonetheless. Some teasing kisses (with promises to clean the toilet for the next two weeks) were needed, but Daichi went with him like he had asked.  _ A hand to hold is a hand to hold _ , Kuroo thinks while sitting down on the couch, bringing his boyfriend down with him. A hand to hold is a hand to hold.

Even a reluctant one.

_ I think I've seen this film before _

_ And I didn't like the ending _

_ You're not my homeland anymore _

_ So what am I defending now? _

_ You were my town, now I'm in exile, seein' you out _

_ I think I've seen this film before _

Where Kuroo is, Kenma is.

The party is fine; he doesn’t like people much, everyone knows that. But after having practically grown up with the others for so long Kenma finds he’s used to all of Nekoma by now, despite all the chaos that comes with them –– and despite  _ himself _ , too, he almost enjoys it.

The operative word is  _ almost _ , he thinks, eyes landing on the boy he’s known the longest, arm wrapped around the  _ other _ boy who –– and he’s not being mean about it, he swears, only honest –– isn’t supposed to be here in the first place.

(“If I’d known plus ones were allowed, I would’ve brought my girlfriend, too!” Kai had whined slightly at the sight of Karasuno’s former captain. Kenma opens his mouth to reply, something like how Kuroo has always been the only exception.

_ Forget it _ , he thinks.) 

He does his best to stop glancing over every five seconds; tries to ignore the fact that this is the first party where he and Kuroo aren’t practically attached at the hip, is what Lev jokes. Yaku elbows him; offers pity, which Kenma does his very best to shrug off instead. 

Kenma doesn’t like pity.

When things involved Kuroo, he never thought he needed it.

_ I can see you starin', honey _

_ Like he's just your understudy _

_ Like you'd get your knuckles bloody for me _

_ Second, third, and hundredth chances _

_ Balancin' on breaking branches _

_ Those eyes add insult to injury _

Kuroo sighs.

It’s not on purpose, he promises as Yamamoto thumps his shoulder (“Oi, Kuroo-san! What are you, an old man?”); he’s having fun like everyone else. Like, when Fukunaga spun some convoluted joke, he laughed at the out-of-nowhere punchline. When Yaku whacked Lev on the head for sitting on his plate of pizza, he laughed even harder. 

It’s just that he knows, without having to look, that the former Karasuno captain (despite all the shenanigans) is wearing a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes. Does Kuroo regret bringing him?  _ No _ , he tells himself.

Not when he can feel Kenma’s gaze on him and his boyfriend like a knife.

At some point, while listening to his ex-teammates’ chatter, something between Kuroo and his thigh pressed against Daichi’s vibrates. Daichi excuses himself and stands up, taking out his phone. He walks to the side of the room and answers it. Kuroo observes him as he does, quiet and unassuming; how Daichi’s face lights up at the sound of the voice from the other line. Kuroo, without having to ask, knows exactly who it is.

“Suga, hi!” Daichi smiles. “What? No, I’m not busy.” 

_ I think I've seen this film before _

_ And I didn't like the ending _

_ I'm not your problem anymore _

_ So who am I offending now? _

_ You were my crown, now I'm in exile, seein' you out _

_ I think I've seen this film before _

_ So I'm leaving out the side door _

Kenma keeps busy; even at his own party he’s still playing a video game, still prefers the nearly empty corner of the room after having to tell Lev repeatedly  _ no _ , no volleyballs inside the house. He catches vague snippets of Kai and Inuoka talking about something –– Kai’s girlfriend, he gathers from the lovesick gaze in his former vice captain’s eyes –– and wonders, curiously, when they had all grown up beyond donning the same red uniform, when hitting balls across a net was their one priority. 

Well, he supposes with  _ another _ glance in Kuroo’s direction. Maybe not his  _ only _ one.

He sees Daichi look at his phone and stand, and in the moment he walks away from his his-shaped space on the sofa, Kenma and Kuroo’s eyes meet.

He doesn’t know if it’s an invitation or not, but he’ll take it anyway. He puts his console away.

_ So step right out, there is no amount _

_ Of crying I can do for you _

_ All this time _

_ We always walked a very thin line _

_ You didn't even hear me out (You didn't even hear me out) _

_ You never gave a warning sign (I gave so many signs) _

Kuroo knows it’s not personal, the way Daichi laughs so effortlessly when he’s not around. He knows Daichi thinks he can’t hear him, knows that he’s being as tactful as possible. He knows he’s the boyfriend, not the  _ best  _ friend. He knows that should be enough. But, when Kuroo meets Kenma’s eyes, he knows that to be chosen isn’t quite equal to being loved. 

He knows, he knows.

Kuroo stands and walks over to his own best friend, a tight expression on his face. He means it to be casual, but it comes across as tense. Still, the party seems to fall away, to fade into the background of the scene. For now, it’s just the two of them again. Like it’s always been.

“Hey.” 

_ All this time _

_ I never learned to read your mind (Never learned to read my mind) _

_ I couldn't turn things around (You never turned things around) _

_ 'Cause you never gave a warning sign (I gave so many signs) _

_ So many signs, so many signs _

_ You didn't even see the signs _

Again: there’s always that subtle relaxation that overtakes him in Kuroo’s presence; even with everyone else around him familiar it’s only when the other approaches that he feels his shoulders begin to slump below his hair, posture a little less like hiding away, now. There’s a ghost of a smile that laces his lips, familiar;

maybe for a moment, he can pretend.

“Mmm.” Kenma greets him. There’s tension in the air, palpable; he forges ahead regardless. “Yamamoto seems to be doing … fairly well in Lev’s sister’s presence.” he observes, his words synonymous to  _ Yamamoto has yet to burst into tears at the sight of a woman _ . “That might not last very long.”

The air is familiar, and also not; he rocks back and forth on his heels, shifting between leaning against the wall and trying to find his balance, before finding what little courage there is in him to look up at Kuroo and keep his heart from breaking.

“You’re enjoying yourself.” it’s a question more than it is a statement. 

_ I think I've seen this film before _

_ And I didn't like the ending _

_ You're not my homeland anymore _

_ So what am I defending now? _

_ You were my town, now I'm in exile, seein' you out _

_ I think I've seen this film before _

_ So I'm leavin' out the side door _

“Well, Alisa doesn’t seem to have noticed,” Kuroo comments, nodding at Lev’s sister who’s sitting cross-legged on the floor. She catches them looking and waves at the two with a wide smile. “I hope you have tissues ready, in any case.” 

In the presence of old friends, Kuroo feels like he remembers what it’s like to live a little. Not that, of course, he’s been dead inside or something. If his boyfriend’s leaving him to be on the phone with Sugawara is any indication, Kuroo’s never felt more embarrassed to be alive. 

In the presence of Kenma, though (his oldest friend, by far), Kuroo feels something entirely different. It’s comforting and discomforting all at the same time, as though they have just been thinking of the same thing, but refuse to say it out loud. 

Kuroo shrugs, shoving his hands in his pockets. “I am,” he replies, glancing at Daichi on the other side of the room. He tries for a grin that seems genuine enough. “I sure am.” 

_ So step right out, there is no amount _

_ Of crying I can do for you _

_ All this time _

_ We always walked a very thin line _

_ You didn't even hear me out (Didn't even hear me out) _

_ You never gave a warning sign (I gave so many signs) _

_ All this time _

“Not enough, I suspect.” he mumbles out of the corner of his mouth, offering a polite, if awkward nod in Alisa’s direction (her eyes are more knowing than her brother’s, and the thought of potentially being subject to her examination leaves him on edge).

Something’s … not quite there, not the way it is when Kuroo’s always around. 

He supposes that’s the problem in itself; Kuroo’s  _ not _ always around, anymore.

And when he is, he isn’t alone.

Kenma frowns to himself; berates his mind for being so … so  _ unfair _ . He should be  _ happy _ for his longest friend, his  _ best _ friend, for god’s sake.

So he tries for that: “I’m happy for you.”

It sounds strange in his mouth, trying to make a lie a truth. He spares another glance at Kuro’s boyfriend in the opposite corner, seemingly deep in conversation; he bears quiet witness to the way Daichi’s eyes finally crinkle with the first crescent moon smile he’s sported of the night.

It’s familiar.

(“Kuro––”

He’s already seen before he can finish his sentence;

those eyes, that smile.

“... let’s play another round.”

_ coward/ coward/ coward _ ) 

He takes a breath and tries again. “Kuro.” his attention is on him fully now; he drowns out the loudness of his mind, thoughts zeroing in on Kuroo solely (it’s not hard; he’s had years of practice.)

Try again. 

“I’m happy for you.”

( _ coward/ coward/ coward _ )

_ I never learned to read your mind (Never learned to read my mind) _

_ I couldn't turn things around (You never turned things around) _

_ 'Cause you never gave a warning sign (I gave so many signs) _

_ You never gave a warning sign (All this time) _

_ I’m happy for you. Kuro, I’m happy for you. _

Kuroo blinks at that. Kenma rarely offered such kind of sentiments, especially when it came to his lovelife; but when he did, he was precise. No room for mistaking it for something else. 

_ Don’t be, _ Kuroo wants to say, the voice inside his head suddenly cruel. He almost wants to give it all up right now.  _ Please _ .

But, he can’t. Not when even his best friend can’t see past the hollowness of his smiles; not when he’s given them his damn blessing, of all things. Kuroo knows he’s convincing, that he can persuade even the toughest of customers. He just never thought he’d see the day when he’d have Kenma fooled, but not himself.

( “Is everything okay?”

“We’re  _ fine _ , Kenma.” ) 

_ That can’t be right _ , he thinks to himself. He’s happy. He’s happy. Maybe not always, but still. He’s not… miserable. Right? Daichi kisses him at night, wakes up next to him in the morning, puts in the work, does his share. And Kuroo loves him. Kuroo loves  _ him _ .

That  _ has  _ to be enough.

“Ah, thanks,” he musters, willing himself to sound like a normal person. “Just can’t live without him, y’know?”

Kuroo takes a deep breath and pats Kenma on the back. He doesn’t even want to think about what he really means. 

_ I can’t live without you. _

_ (So many times) I never learned to read your mind _

_ (So many signs) I couldn't turn things around (I couldn't turn things around) _

_ 'Cause you never gave a warning sign (You never gave a warning sign) _

_ You never gave a warning sign _

_ Ah, ah _

“Hm.” he says at first; as if thinking, as if his own heart isn’t hammering in his chest.

Around him, everything is familiar. Lev, Fukunaga and Yamamoto are competing for who can outdrink the other faster; Yaku is standing in as babysitter. Shibayama’s finally arrived only a few moments ago, engaged in an animated conversation with Inuoka about one of his last few volleyball games the latter managed to attend. Kai has moved on to Alisa, talking about –– guess –– his girlfriend, and if Alisa’s own lovestruck eyes are any indication she’s the most enthralled audience by far.

Everything is familiar, except them.

_ Just can’t live without him, y’know? _ , Kuroo says. Kenma’s lungs constrict; he wants to yell out,  _ Yes, you can! You’ve done so for so long! _ But even with his mouth half open no words come out, all garbled in his throat, the cat merciless at his tongue.

From the corner of his eye he sees Daichi hang up, a small smile playing on his lips –– residue from a conversation Kenma’s certain looks, sounds,  _ feels _ a lot like this one.

At the same time, Kuroo’s hand meets his back, in something almost but not quite affection. Kenma stares up at him when it lingers, eyes a myriad of words he knows will forever be left unsaid.

_ Just can’t live without him, y’know? _

“I know.” He does.

_ I can’t live without you. _


End file.
